Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

The death of "naughty"

On the sex chat website I run, a common word people use is "naughty". People want to talk about "naughty" fantasies, or "dirty thoughts", and I realized recently that since I've been in the BDSM community, I've lost that. There's no more "naughty" in my life, just things I'm into …

Fetlife locked my account for four days. Here's what I learned

On Thursday evening, I found out I couldn't log into Fetlife. Instead, I got a message saying to contact support, which I did immediately. Thus began a four day long period where I was unable to use Fetlife. Here's what happened and here's what I learned:

An hour after sending …

On the issue of sexual preference shaming

I've seen a few posts on Fetlife in the last few months that follow a simple pattern:

People (usually guys) who don't want to sleep with overweight women are bad.

One such post even went as far as to claim that the only reason someone would state a body type …

Play isn't sex

Because I run a sex chat service, I have the opportunity to talk to lots of people, many who are curious about BDSM and kink in general. I try to do my best to provide a gentle introduction to activities, relationships, etc. But what seems to trip people up, both …

The Safest Place You Can Be

When I first got into kink, it was at home. A woman I was dating told me her favorite movie was Secretary, and I was all over it..

Still, I thought, there's a world of difference between what I do at home and those people, you know, the ones who …

That which I hate, I love

A common theme I've heard from masochists in reference to certain activities is "I hate it, and yet I love it.". The things we hate hold power over us, and for many masochists, they hold themselves right up against the things they hate and fear, and in doing so confront …

Label the relationship, not the individual

We kinksters seem to love to discuss our labels, or even occassionally our lack of labels. When we take our labels too litterally, when we start to feel defined or justified by them, we can easily find ourselves juding not only ourselves, but others.

Let's all be honest with ourselves- …

Domly Slave

I have a confession to make to everyone.

Although I identify as a dominant, I am a slave... to my time management system.

Without it, I am a lazy, useless creature. Days can pass by when it seems nothing gets done; I'm treading water. I go through the routine of …

All of us Unevolved Doms and Beta Subs

For anyone who reads Fetife "Kinky and Popular", they're probably aware that Innermind has changed his self-identification and written extensively about how he's no longer identifying as a dominant, and now identifies as a Top, with sadistic and primal tendencies.

And as in all things Fet, there are those who …

Consent violations aren't sexy

I was recently on the receiving end of a consent violation that resulted in a small injury. I've chosen not to discuss the incident in detail, but what has shocked me is the response that I have received from some members of the community around my injury.

I explicitly told …