Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

You Gotta Do the Work (forgiveness and atonement in the scene)

After the huge number of consent revelations last year, I befriended one of the consent violators. I've decided to hide their identity. Let's call her Vivian.

Vivian was a well known and generally respected person in the kink scene, and when the revelations happened, she was accused of ...

The problem with the Guru Mystique

This video about the Hacker Mystique has finally hit Youtube and I want to share it as far and as wide as possible:

(if it doesn't do so already, skip to 6 minutes and 21 seconds in)

When you watch it, please replace ...

The collaborative nature of healthy D/s

In the car the other day, my submissive asked me a question...

I'd corrected her behavior about something and she had found the language I'd used didn't work with her, and suggested a different phrasing that she thought would elicit a better response at the moment.

This ...

A good Dom

Many people search for a good dom and write posts about them. I thought I'd write my own for those of you searching for one:

A good dom:

1. ...makes all your wishes come true.

A good dom will make all your wishes come true, even the ones you ...

Consent is always consent, and violence is always violence

There's a new report from the University of British Columbia[1][2] showing that amongst teens, boys are reporting higher levels of violence against them than girls.

This is a surprising result to be sure and I think bares some consideration.

Why this is exactly remains subject to conjecture ...


A friend of mine came to me recently saying he could not longer be in the kink community. After months of harassment, he couldn't handle the negativity and decided to leave.

My friend hasn't been accused of a consent violation, only of being someone that some people don ...

Cock isn't in short supply (and neither are riggers)

Let's take this in two parts.

The first part is that no matter how many times we say it, there are about a thousand guys who seem to seem not to hear it.

Cock isn't in short supply

Merely being present and having a penis does not make ...

Surviving your first play party

I talked with a man recently who attended his first play party. It didn't go well and it reminded me of my own bad experiences at play parties.

I was terrified at my first play party. A friend of mine in the scene brought me along with her (thank ...

Your excuse about cheating is invalid

I talk to a lot of people who want my help in cheating on their spouse.

Let me make a few things clear:

  • The fact that she hasn't had sex with you in five years isn't an excuse to cheat.

  • The fact he is physically abusive isn't ...

How I amost became an Incel

I've been reading a lot lately about incels. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it is a person (usually a man) who is "Involuntarily Celibate". This term has at its core a lot of toxic ideas, including and misogyny and entitlement.

The incel movement is harmful and dangerous ...