Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

When someone chooses to take the easy path

I posted a while back about my friend Vivian

And in the meantime, Vivian has decided to do a number of things I don't agree with and feel are genuinely dangerous. She has started a new event, and gone on the Vanilla internet and telling her story in a way that shows, without a doubt, that she hasn't learned a thing.

Instead of taking the time to reflect and regroup, she's decided to go full speed ahead.

No one in our community is perfect, many of us make mistakes, including myself, and when presented with them try to process them, own them, and do our best to make fewer mistakes in the future. For those type, I hope that we as a community can and will move forward, beyond the cancel culture that has become pervasive, into one in which we encourage everyone to be their best selves.

Mistakes, even terrible mistakes, happen. When mistakes are not disclosed or discussed, then reports and complaints can come in batches. That can be shocking and challenging to accept. It takes work. It takes diving into sincere challenges, accepting your own limitations, letting go of preconceived notions.

It takes strength too, to weather the storms of people saying awful things about you, of the pile-on of attacks, sometimes from people who weren't even involved and don't even know you. It takes bravery to do the work, and even more, bravery to come back, vulnerable, naked and exposed, and ask for a new opportunity knowing that not everyone will accept you and that things will never be what they once were.

But for someone like Vivian, I am not sure there is a way forward in this community. She has taken the opposite track, placing all the blame outward, and then celebrating her actions as "dangerous and sexy".

I haven't talked to Vivian since my last post. I contacted her originally because I was worried about her physical and mental safety. Today I'm no longer worried about her physical safety. As for her mental safety, I think she has made the wrong decisions- decisions that will undoubtedly place people in danger and which I can't accept.

I'm not sure that I have the mental strength to be friends with someone who harms others. I know such people exist, people with patience and a capacity for love and acceptance that can even "turn" someone who has done bad into someone who does good... but Vivian has made her choice.

She has made the easy choice. It's not one I can accept, and in reading her writing, I feel nauseous.

I'm very sad for this person... But I don't think I can call her my friend.