Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Consent is always consent, and violence is always violence

There's a new report from the University of British Columbia[1][2] showing that amongst teens, boys are reporting higher levels of violence against them than girls.

This is a surprising result to be sure and I think bares some consideration.

Why this is exactly remains subject to conjecture but I suspect that women's acts are not taken as seriously as men's due to women being generally not considered as threatening as men, and that needs to stop.

A consent violation, including inappropriate touching, unwanted sexual contact or even sexual assault are just as serious no matter who the perpetrator is or who the victim is. It also doesn't matter in that moment what the various kink roles those people have, either in a scene or in a relationship. A sub's touching a top's penis unwantedly is just as inappropriate as it would be if their roles were reversed. Those who use their kink identities to cover up for inappropriate behavior need to be called on it by their peers.

  • Entitled doms who feel they can violate boundaries need to be called out by other doms.

  • Subs who feel they are meek and therefore blameless need to be called out by other subs.

  • Brats who feel that their identification as brats enables them to violate the consent of others need to be called out by other brats who understand the lines of reasonable behavior.

When it comes to violence, domestic violence, sexual violence or emotional violence, the same needs to hold true.

Someone's gender or their physical size, has no bearing on whether or not their violent action is justified or not.

We want everyone, men and women to treat each other with respect, including the respecting of others' physical and emotional boundaries.

We as a community need to work collectively to stop violence, both in our backyard and beyond.

[1] Story here:

[2] Journal article here: