Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Yes, sometimes it's all about me

There are many sentiments on Fetlife that being a dominant means that it shouldn't all be about the dominant- that sometimes it should be about the submissive and their needs.

And of course this is true; any relationship where one party thinks nothing of the other party's well being is probably toxic and abusive.

But sometimes it is all about me.

I spent much of my time working with others, being present for others, putting myself in their heads, being thoughtful, caring, loving and I need turn that off, to have the focus entirely on me and so do so without shame or guilt.

Years ago, before I knew I was kinky, I was in a new relationship. We'd had sex before and it'd been mediocre. But one time, I let myself go. I fucked her, hard. I used her to body to get me off and the power and release were incredible. I was spent and not just happy, but felt entirely calm and peaceful. But afterward, she turned around and said, "You fucked me like a piece of meat..." with a mixture of sadness and disdain.

In that moment I feel deep shame. I had let go. I trusted her and let myself use her body to channel my feelings through. I wasn't thinking of her or her needs in that moment, and she felt dirty.

I didn't engage in that part of me for years after, feeling sexual desire of that sort was bad.

And indeed, doing it without the understanding and consent of your partner is bad.

But I also know about myself that I need this. I need to lose myself in the moment- to lose that thoughtfulness, that kindness and to use someone else's body in that way sometimes.

Sometimes it's sexual, sometimes it's sadism, and sometimes, it's something as simple as letting myself get a massage.

There are many men on Fetlife who feel that this is the only avenue of domination- forcing their partner to "submit" to them sexually by being their sexual vessel. It's objectifying and it's gross.

I don't feel that way- my domination of my partner is more than sexual, more than sadistic. It is a way of life- a deep, intimate bond between us.

But sometimes... sometimes it is all about me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.