Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Why I do so much work on myself, and why I write about it

I've come across a few people who have read my writing either before meeting me or after meeting and considering playing with me, and a few of them have been turned off by my explicit and vivid descriptions of the kind of deep psychological work I've been doing, and why.

I've even seriously considered removing these writings, because if they're interefering with my enjoyment of life, that's a problem.

But the reason I make them, and keep them up has to do with me, and not them. It has to do with the belief that I have that it's not where you start the journey, but where you end it.

The fact is that I was very abused as a child. While I was spared much (not all) of the physical abuse, and was not sexually abused, I lived in a household of disgust, resentment, guilt and manipulation. For me to live the life I want, I have to dig deep down into my childhood and rip out the guts, to work through the damage that was instilled me me from infancy to 18. I've had to learn, literally, how to relate to other people.

I write all this out for others that may be in a similar situation, in hopes that they may not feel so alone, and for myself in accepting and moving past the enormity of the what I experienced, and to move towards health.

There are going to be people who are turned off by this. Maybe they want someone who hasn't been through, who doesn't struggle and hasn't known the kind of deep despair that I've known. But whereas others may see it as a weakness, I see it as a strength. My compassion comes from a deep place, and my dominance from a place of love.

I still see the journey ahead of me. I'm not "done". But I know who I am.