For all the talk online about "true doms" I thought I'd mention a situation I've found myself in when I partake in vanilla dating- that is dating people from the vanilla world, and how much it sucks.

We talk about kink and they like the fact I'm dominant. They're submissive, they tell me, and I do a little dance in my head. "Yes!", I think and use this as proof that not everyone who is kinky is part of our community.

But when we start to talk about what that means, that's when things fall apart.

What kind of submission to they enjoy, "I want my partner to have total control over me!", is a sentiment I've heard more than once, and I think "Wow, TPE is pretty intense... I wonder if they really know what that means."

...only to find out that what they really mean is that they want their boyfriend to fuck them really hard. More to the point, what they don't mean is anything outside of the bedroom. Rules? No. Rituals? No. Titles? No. Sadomasochistic play? "Umm, maybe, but I'm not really into pain." And domestic service? No way.

I'm all for rough sex, but I draw a line in my mind between rough sex and BDSM.

Funnily enough, some of these same women have told me that they had a previous partner who wasn't "a real dom". Mind you, this isn't one conversation, it's the same one I've had maybe eight or nine times.

And each time, I get to see the woman I'm out with recoil when I talk about what I'm into, or the brief look of disgust in her eyes. I see all the judgement that I'd had hammered into me over decades, that my fantasies were wrong and gross, and that therefore I was wrong and gross.

Vanilla dating can be a real horror.

Where's my "twue subs" at?!