Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

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When I started being public with kink, I was nervous about finding people who wanted to let me top them. It was difficult to find people to play with (and still is sometimes, depending on the event), but lately I've had to turn a few people down when they've asked me to top them.

For some people, this is an easy decision to make. One woman, during a class on negotiation said that I quote "Wasn't a real dom" due to my needs for aftercare. A few months later she asked if I wanted to play. This was a no brainer.

But it gets more difficult when it's a friend or someone I've played with before.

I know how difficult it can be to ask, and how crushing it can be to have the other person say no, even if that no is "Not now", the pain is still there.

At the same time, I can't ignore the fact that sometimes I just don't want to play. This is especially true for someone I'm not romantically involved with. Topping requires energy and focus. That's one of the things I enjoy about it- the hyperfocus and getting lost in those moments.

At the same time, topping has an element of performance, and that can be tiring, or if I'm not feeling 100%, it can be difficult for me.

I know how difficult asking is. Thank you for asking. I can't always say yes, but when I do, I hope the wait is worth it.