When I ran a sex chat website, I would be asked about BDSM from curious folks, especially women. Recently one of my former chatters came to me and asked about BDSM, what it was about and whether it was something she was looking for in her life. I answered her questions and pointed her to some high quality resources on BDSM and events in her area, but what I couldn't do was show her high quality BDSM porn.

I could find bad BDSM porn. A pretty girl tied up, being fucked in different ways, in different holes, calling the man who fucked her Master, but there was no rapport, and it was clear that she may have enjoyed the fucking, but didn't enjoy the suspension or the way her speech and actions were being restricted.

That's not the BDSM I know. The BDSM I know has wide, exuberant smiles on the faces of the bottom, and mischievous grins on the faces on the tops. The BDSM I know has laughing and giggling, the contented sighs and moans of extacy. The screams of pain followed by grateful expressions of relief. That is the BDSM I know, and I've never seen a porno with that in it.

The closest I've found is the Happy BDSM Tumblr which I point people to. The smiles on the faces in those photos is unmistakable and completely unlike the angry, disgusted looks that I see on the faces of tops in BDSM porn, and the dour, resigned look that I see on the faces of the bottoms. If I saw someone with the kind of despondent look that I see in mainstream BDSM porn on the face of someone at an event, as a DM I'd be concerned and paying extra attention to that scene, but in porn it's the norm.

FetLife is wonderful in that we see the same kinds of wonderful imagery that I'm used to. I understand our need for privacy, but if there was one thing I wish I could take from Fet and bring to the outside world, it's the smiles on our faces. One of the main challenges in explaining myself both to the vanilla and the BDSM world is the idea of service.

I'm a D type that enjoys service. I enjoy making the world a better place through volunteering. I enjoy doing things that will help my friends or loved ones, and I enjoy practicing my kink in a way that will bring my partner pleasure.

I am capable of, but do not get any intrinsic pleasure out of submission. I don't find comfort or pleasure in it. But being giving and dedicating yourself to a cause or a person is not submitting to them, it's in service to them, which can hail from either a place of domination or submission.