Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Sharing Isn't Caring

On STC yesterday, I was asked a question I've been asked many times before by men, "Do you share your sub?".

I didn't understand what they meant at first.

Did they mean do I have my subs do domestic chores for others?

They didn't mean that.

Did they mean if my sub had sexual relations with other people?

Well if my partner is poly, I certainly would expect that she likely does.

What they actually mean, though is "Do I force my partner to have sex with other men?"

The guy last night even told me that this would prove to me that I'd "taught" her right. I'm not sure what lesson this would be instilling on her... She already presumably knows how to have sex, so that can't be it... Maybe the lesson he has in mind is that would teach her what an awful person looks like.

I know there are folks in the kink community to love gangbangs and who love "forced" service to many sexual partners at once, but this isn't that. This is a totally different question in disguise:

"Do you rape your girlfriend?"

Because whether it's my or someone else's appendage, non-consensual sexual service is rape, and forcing someone into this kind of service without a clear and explicit consent framework around it (along with a shitton of discussion) is rape, and the that a dom should be forcing their sub to have intimate and potentially dangerous interactions with strangers against their will is a question embedded in hated and or rape culture.

I know it's just fantasy for many of these guys, and their kink is indeed not my kink, but sometimes their kink makes me nauseous.