Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

I do not come from a place on high

I've become more vocal lately about my criticism of the scene, especially in NYC, where I live.

I have seen others be critical from a place on high, talking about the consent actions of others and contrasting themselves as the pillar of righteousness and goodness.

I am not that.

I am unaware of any consent violation allegations against me, but I know I've hurt people.

I've been rude, abrasive and impulsive. I've insulted people and I've made people feel unsupported.

These are usually due to impulsivity rather than malice- but that's not important. I've done things that hurt people. I've been punished for it and shunned for it. And that makes sense to me.

Because even though in my case many of these situations originate with neurological issues, the effect that it has on others is real, and people's emotions don't care about whether or not I have a diagnosis or not, how much therapy I've done, how much sleep I had or whether I took medication that day.

When I criticise others, I often talk about reformation because I have been working and continue to work on myself.

A big part of that is accepting what you've done to others, seeing how it affected them. There's an enormous shame there. It's not easy, or fun. It feels like shit. But it's part of growth.

When reading these statements about others in the scene, I think back to when I started, many of the bad lessons I learned, the bad place I was in emotionally and think "There but for the grace of God go I.". I genuinely believe in reformation and forgiveness, because I hope that when I wrong people in ways I don't mean to, I will also receive forgiveness.

If I've hurt you, I'm sorry.