Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

I catfished for you, Fellow Cis-Het men

Gentlemen, listen up. I've done the work for you. As some of you know, I used to run a sex chat website called STC. I also use other chat platforms, and on those platforms, I hear from women how frustated they are at dealing with men. So sometimes I go on as a woman just to see what it's like.

Here are my ground rules for doing so:

  1. I pretend to be a youngish woman, around 23/24 usually
  2. I describe myself as friendly but never make any sexual references or overtures
  3. I never show any pictures of myself or offer much detail about myself
  4. I mostly reflect back a general interest, but don't move the conversation forward in any specific way. Instead, I say things like "That's interesting! Tell me more about it!"
  5. I don't keep the ruse going past a single conversation

In this experience, I've talked to maybe fifty or so men and been able to break down the types of replies I get into roughly four categories: The Overt Sexual Chat, The Boring Chatter, The Covert Fetishist and the Normal Guy.

The Overtly Sexual Chatter

The Overtly Sexual Chatter is the easiest to find, but also relatively easy to deal with. They'll immediately make sexual, personal statements or ask very private questions, such as asking the size of my partner's penis. These guys also have a tendency to use intimate language in their chat early on, using terms like "Dear", "Darling" or "Honey".

Every so often, I will try to educate the Overt Sexual Chatter into what is and isn't appropriate. Usually, this leads to either an argument or disconnect. I've been accused of being rude, a man-hating-feminist, being "brainwashed" or a "tease".

These guys are easy to spot and easy to handle, though they tend to be the most common chatters.

The Boring Chatter

The Boring Chatter is the second most common chat requester I get as a woman. These people have nothing to say. They begin their conversation with "Hi" and invariable ask "How are you?". Sometimes they even ask banal questions that are answered in a profile. The Boring Chatter has nothing to say, and can't pick up on any tidbits offered in the profile. That is to say, when I do this, I go ahead and create a profile that gives enough information to start a reasonable conversation around- movies, hobbies and other information is readily available, but ignored by the Boring Chatter.

The Covert Fetishist

The Covert Fetishist is similar to the Overtly Sexual Chatter, but he'll try to trick you into a sexual conversation. As an example, recently a gentleman from India chatted me up and spoke about how short he was. Whatever else we would discuss, he would steer it back to his height, and finally, he asked me where on me he would reach. I asked him if he was a size fetishist, and he said yes.

In another example, on a site ostensibly for helping people in need, several members have told me about shame they feel around the size of their penis and decided to ask me about it, in detail. While this may be a real issue, as a man, I've never been asked this question, ever.

The Covert Fetishist is creepy as hell.

The Normal Chatter

I sometimes feel bad for the Normal Chatter talking me up, because they will put in the work, but the conversation will fizzle out. It does that because that's how I design the experiment. I don't build rapport, I don't lead anyone on, and without some expression of interest, a normal person will move on.

Occasionally women will also chat up other women. This is far more common than a woman chatting up a man she doesn't know.


So my gentleman friends, I offer you some tips for chatting up a woman, from the perspective of someone who's done the research.

Firstly, have something to say. It doesn't need to be profound, but it should be relevant. If the person has a profile, use it for ideas. And if they haven't filled it in, my opinion is such a person is going to be hard to talk to, so why bother?

Secondly, don't force any intimacy. Reserve pet words for intimate relationships- No woman is stupid enough to think that if you use intimacy signals, she should too. Instead, you'll just gross her out. Similarly, unless the context is a sex chat site or she's expressed an interested in a sexual discussion, don't talk about sex.

Heck, when I ran STC, I would engage in largely non-sexual chat with the members and several of them ended up being women I had sex with. How/why? Because I took an interest in them as people beyond the sexual realm.

Thirdly, if you have a thing you are interested in, be overt about it. That size fetishist may have had better luck if he'd expressed his interest early on. Maybe, maybe not, but his chances would be better than doing it covertly.

When I was dating, I was very explicit with my potential dates that I am into Lifestyle BDSM, including sadomasochism, full-time D/s, going to BDSM clubs, etc. Did it turn off many women? Yes, it did, but those women would not have been a good match for me anyway. When a woman was interested, we could have a much more interesting time, whether or not she was experienced in kink. Being up front is good.

Fourthly, if the conversation isn't going well, end it. If your conversation partner is being boring (like I would be) then why waste your energy and time? End the conversation. Move on, and find someone who will be engaging.