Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Entitelement isn't just for cis male doms

If I had a nickel for every cis het male message on fet to a woman that presumes entitlement culture, I'm sure I could buy everyone a round of drinks.

Usually we hear about cis het males feeling entitled to someone's submission.

When I ran my sex chat website, I used to receive messages from gay men along the same lines. "You're dominant" they'd say, "So dominate me!".

My sexual orientation didn't matter to them, nor did my interests or personalities. I was an object to them, there to fulfill a fantasy of theirs.

On OKCupid recently, I received a message:

Hi Sir I'm an online sub only, can I explain why please? And do you do deep mental domination?‚Äč

Aside from the word "please" this message exemplifies much of the same attitude.

She calls me Sir. While Sir is a title I'll use with a partner, and in play, it's not something I find enjoyable outside those roles. I bet that she'd not accept being called "sweetheart," but somehow this is okay.

Next, she explains why she wants to be (presumably my) online sub. I won't out this woman, but once I declined her offer, she sent me a subsequent message explaining her circumstances, which are indeed difficult, but it doesn't make sense to me that she would start talking about a relationship of this nature without knowing me a little first.

And thirdly 'Deep mental domination'. In fact, I do erotic hypnosis. It's my specialty, so in that sense, I do deep mental domination. I suppose she might have meant high protocol, or something similar, but again, a very forward question.

I feel for this woman, but receiving the email, I had that same objectified feeling that many women report here. It's rude and icky.

Telling guys not to write these kinds of emails to women is pointless, but let's take a moment to recognize that entitlement and rape culture is pervasive across genders.