Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Don't make a big production

When I was first getting into BDSM, I drove myself crazy in a way that nearly burned me out of BDSM permanently. I'd like to keep that from happening to anyone else...

The year was 2010, and my girlfriend told me that her favorite movie was Secretary. I'd been interested in BDSM in the past bit this revelation this kicked everything into high gear. I bought books, read websites and began what I thought that doms had to do- to create elaborate scenarios.

We would do a scene every Friday. Each scene began with the same ritual, but beyond after, we would do something I'd planned earlier. Most of these scenes were pretty hot and involved elements of bondage, D/s, S&M, humiliation, punishment, and sex.

At first it was incredibly hot. I was getting to do the thing I'd always wanted to do, and she was getting some very hot scenes out of it. It was fun for both of us. Each scene we did was more involved and elaborate than the last. If we did an activity one night, next time I felt it had to be "more"- more intense, more complicated, more elaborate. If I couldn't think of a way to improve upon what we did, I'd think up something new altogether.

In the very beginning, the scenes were spontaneous, but soon after, I began planning the scenes out earlier in the day. Over time, the scene planning began days earlier. I remember thinking that this was starting to feel like a live television show, with scripts on Tuesday, readthrough on Wednesday, rehearsal on Thursday and we'd go live on Friday.

Sometimes I didn't want to do anything at all, but I felt like if I didn't plan elaborate scenes, I'd be failing her and myself.

Months of planning complex scenes, week after week, was taking an emotional toll on me. Where D/s had felt so natural and amazing, it started to feel like another burden in my life- another obligation that I had to fulfill.

The relationship ended poorly, and years later when I had the opportunity to speak with her again, I told her about the stress I'd felt about those scenes. She told me in no uncertain terms that those scenes were nice, but they were unnecessary. Furthermore, sometimes she felt like they were too much, over the top, and there were times she didn't want to go through those motions- she just wanted to spend time with me on the couch watching TV.


I've heard similar stories from other doms about feeling obligated to push themselves so hard to "be real doms." Some people might chalk this all down to poor communication, but I think that there's more to it. When you start doing BDSM, there's the excitement of exploring yourself, exploring your partner and the rush of new desires and possibilities to act out all the dreams you had all your life.

Whatever the cause, the result is often the same- a period of exhaustion and sometimes leaving BDSM altogether, at least for a while. And when BDSM is a big part of your relationship, having it end can mean the end the relationship altogether.

My point is to write my story out in hopes that maybe someone who is doing this in their life will read it and recognize themselves in what I've written. For the person whose stressed out on a Tuesday morning because they're wondering how they're going to outdo themselves from last week. If you're resonating with this and you've noticed your scenes are getting increasingly elaborate while your partner seems increasingly stressed.

If this applies to you, my advice is to stop and talk with your partner. Be reminded of the things that you both enjoy, and the fact that the thing you probably most enjoy about each other isn't the elaborate scenes but just being with each other. Strengthen that base in your relationship and see what really works for the two of you.

...and then go off and so something evil together.