Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Different ways of letting go

I recently met up with a kinky friend for a casual conversation that quickly turned to how our kinks work in ways to meet our emotional needs.

She recently explored her switchyness and the enjoyment of being submissive. I'm always happy when a friend discovers or explores a new aspect of themselves.

My friend asked me "Don't you ever need to let go, sexually?", implying that there is a deep-seated pleasure inherent to submission that I must be missing out on. I do need to let go sometimes, but I get there a different way.

When a sub is servicing me, I can let go and be accept it. When the situation is right and she's on her knees giving me pleasure, I can let go of my need for control and enjoy what is being done to me. Or if I'm laying back and she's on top, I can let her pleasure me. If she knows my body, she can move hers in just the right way to bring me to ecstasy and I don't have to do a thing. In contrast to normal sex (or a kinky scene) when I'm focused on my sub and her experience, in those moments, I can let go and just enjoy.

Even outside the bedroom, giving orders is means of letting go. I don't need to be involved once I've made my instruction. The decision is made, so we can get on to the next thing. It's a relief, for both of us.

Non-kinky people assume that domination is associated with cruelty. I'm dominant therefore I must cruelly be barking out orders and hastily dishing out punishments for minor infractions or dissent against my authority. That's not how I dominate.

I dominate through connection, through shared values and goals. My domination is a gift to my submissive, allowing me to take control provides her freedom. In return, I take responsibility for her, for her safety and well-being, sexually, physically and emotionally. My style of domination is to build my submissive up, to foster her growth as a person. I relish in her accomplishments and greatness, both for herself, and how they reflect on me.

My domination also allows me freedom- freedom from needing to worry. If I give a task to my sub, I can rest easy knowing it will be done well, because that our shared goal.

Punishments, when they do arise, are there to strengthen our bond. They are there to relieve the tension and guilt. For her, they relieve the nagging feeling of guilt and disappointment in herself. For me, they relieve any remaining nagging frustration. Punishments accompany discussion, they don't replace them, and a good punishment is one where both of us feel better, closer at the end.

This is what domination is for me, at least for now, at this stage in my life.

My domination is how I let go.