Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog


Coercion isn't a topic we see discussed very often in our community. It doesn't fit the consent narrative. We assume that in kink both parties must be coming at things from an entirely equal place before and during negotiation, and then that established the parameters of play.

This idea ignores the reality of our world. No one enters any situation free of past experiences, and when it comes to play, a host of factors come into the picture such as desire/wish fulfillment, sexual attraction, and social factors. If it's someone we've played with before, the situation can get even more complicated with the addition of the desire to please, desire to be liked, social standing and concern over the other person's reactions.

I see coercion frequently happen in our community. It happens in play, it happens in sex, and it even happens when someone opens their arms for a hug and the recipient else feels uncomfortable but accepts the hug anyway.

Coercion is a tricky thing. It's hard to identify and hard to police. It effects people of all genders, and sides of the slash equally. Like CNC, we've even fetishized it. But non-consensual coercion is not hot; it's just as toxic as consent violations and far more present.