Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Borderline and Co-Dependency in the Scene: Part 5.5 - The Pause

This is a quick note to folks who were reading my series on Co-Dependency in the scene and have been waiting for the last part in the series.

I have a partial draft of it that I'm working off of, but I feel I'm not ready to release it. Frankly, I don't feel I've entirely come out the other side. Some days I feel absolutely great, ready to kick ass and take names, and others, the Codependency creeps up on me in the form of angst, anxiety, and depression.

What has changed are my relationships. As Ross Rosenberg (a writer on Codependency) says will happen, I've lost people close to me. I've lost long time friendships going back decades. But what's fundamentally different than the past is I don't miss those people.

In the past, if someone I cared about didn't treat me well, I might get upset with them, I might confront them, but I'd ultimately feel the need to resolve it, to make things right, to help them see the error of their ways and to correct it.

Now, that need is gone. People who are not kind or respectful have left my life, and I have let them go.

A very typical narcissistic tendency is to leave when they don't get what they want. In the past, I'd chase after them. More than that, I'd need to chase after them. That need is gone, and thus, so are they.

The people who have remained in my life, who have been kind and supportive have been even more so. And some people have changed their relationships with me, seeing me in a new light. People I've known for decades have suddenly become better friends, more respectful, more reliable friends. And people of all stripes have changed their approach with me, because when you don't have the anxiety and fear, you can relax, and when you can relax, people around you can do so as well.

There are people who have balked at my boundary setting, but those are people who never respected my boundaries in the first place.

And those who've stayed have related to me better, and I've been happier. Not all the time, but more of the time.

But I know the journey isn't done. I still have a road to travel before I feel I'm entirely through. When I finish, I'll come back with my notes and suggestions.

Until then, if you have something to share about your own journey, either on this post, or privately, please send them to me. I want as much as possible from everyone. This is a journey that is easier to take with others, and the more of us there are, the easier it will be.

Thank you all for your patience, it will be rewarded.