Vir Cotto's BDSM Blog

Being Honest on a Dating Site

After my last relationship ended and I had some time to heal, I went back on OKCupid to find someone new- possibly for dating, or if I was lucky, for love.

But "vanilla dating" is challenging and for those of us like myself who are monogamously inclined, "the scene" is not for us either. So after weeks of mediocre dates, I did something radical- I was open and honest about my kinkyness in my online dating profile.

All the friends I spoke with warned me that this would be a bad idea. "Even kinky girls," they said, "... would be turned off by a guy who is so open about it."

After two weeks, I can tell you that my experience has been the exact opposite. My profile has gotten significantly more views, and more "Likes." The number of women who respond to messages from me has increased, and more importantly than any of those numerical metrics, the conversations I've had with women before the dates have been smarter, deeper and more meaningful.

Heterosexual courting rituals can be challenging. Our society requires us to play a terrible game on both sides, with women needing to pretend to be chaste and uninterested, and men to be the aggressor while disavowing sexual motivations.

Us kinksters can circumvent these games and get to the heart of who we are as sexual and emotional beings. Women are reading my profile and are sharing every aspect of themselves with me, from their career aspirations to their sexual preferences. These conversations are leading not only to discussions of sex, but real intimacy.

By the time the date rolls around, I learn more about this person than I ever would have before. I know what they want out of a partner, what they want out of themselves. Suddenly the dating "game" shifts to one of honesty, compassion, and fun.

The sexual and emotional tension of dating remains, while the sexual awkwardness of dating is dissolved, replaced by honesty.

Not every person I date is going to be a good long-term partner, but through this honest, open communication, I been able to make such powerful, meaningful connections with people. I could never go back to the way it was before, and no one else should either.